I should be....

sleeping. i have school tomorrow morning at 9 and then i hav an 8 hour shift of work.

but instead at 3:20am i'm finding it EXTRMELY hard to sleep because i'm stuck on this song and it's on repeat. hahahaha

elliott yamin...who is he? 3rd place in american idol a couple of seasons ago....but seriously...he has the MOST amazing voice i've heard. i get chills EVERYTIME. like i've heard A LOT of good ppl sing...but this guy...man!!! he came out with an album in april and his title song is "Wait for you". I'm watching the live version he sang on the last american idol...and seriously...itz memorizing. like the guy himself isnt like "hot", but his voice!!!!!

i cant get oer it...me and hannah were like...*jaw drop* the whole time. i heard him back when he was a contestant and i thought this then back then, but i almost forgot how good he was!!!! i could listen to him for hours.....days....

i must, i must, i must go out and buy his album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOjlmHDZwR4

check it out!!!u'll get chills! if u dunt....man...HOW CAN U NOT?

i forgot....

that i do in fact appreciate xanga. especially since facebook is just a public space to have conversation. and even though xanga is just as public....for some WEIRD reason it feels like ur the only one who will read this. like a diary..until someone says, "hey read ur xanga." hahahahaha

u know i was thinkin about gum...when u first chew it, u get this burst of fresh flavour and itz great, but then u chomp down hard on it with ur teeth, piercing it, and then when it loses its flavour, or its use, u spit it out or stick it on somewhere. then u forget about it and walk away while the gum dries up on the wall, or gets run over by cars. or while ppl step on it and go "EWWWW that's so gross!" because the ppl that appreciated ur flavour and chewing on u dunt care anymore.

yea...i'm that gum.

and this is why i'm takin a break....for anyone who REALLY cares. and dunt say u do...if u dunt. words are no longer enough.

Baby Caleb's mother says....

that i look lonely.

she said something about the "boon wi gi" (atmosphere) around me.

itz weird..cuz i didnt think so. it hadnt crossed my mind for a long time now...but when she said that and gave me a hug i suddenly had to swallow back that huge lump in my throat and fight the urge to bawl. *shrug*

i'm taking a break from youth. i never thought this day would come...or maybe i never wanted it to. or maybe i never thought i would take it feeling like this.....

i spilled it to teddy and christine. apart from hannah i didnt tell anyone. i didnt want to. itz weird..cuz i've been beating myself up about this the past couple of weeks...and feelin pretty broken and confused. i'd always thought of myself as someone very graceful. not graceful like dancing or coordination...but graceful in that i'm very forgiving, understanding and have had an abundance of grace to give out.

but the past few weeks...ok i lie...few months?....*sigh* i dunno how long...i try and pray so hard for more grace but i cant find it anywhere. but christine said something to me...."b/c u define limits and take breaks away from ppl, or u get upset, and angry and hurt doesnt mean ur grace has boundaries. grace comes in the form of discipline too."

and itz weird...b/c i feel like i'm taking this break to recover. i need this time to recover. i feel really banged up. but i hadnt really thought about it until today spending most of the day with teddy and christine.

*swallowing HUGE lump in throat*..........unsuccessful.

Easter

is always really hard for me.

i cry a lot. pray a lot. reflect a lot. fall apart a lot. never understanding why.....or rather how....He could endure that.

i've been sick since thursday. eating nothing but a few crackers and drinking gingeralt e. physically, i'm doing pretty horribly and yesterday with Good Friday Service and a few other things goin on in my life, i was a mess. crying constantly.

but today...i woke up. phyically, i did not feel any better, but i woke up feelin as though there was something to be learned today. and what can i say....God never ceases to amaze me.

a very close dongseng (dan moon) is gettin baptized this weekend and this kid...let me tell u...he's special. so i wanted to get him meaningful and in doing so, it reminded me of a lot of things and it became my blessing to prepare this gift for him. he was really touched by it...and honestly...that...really brought me up.

then i got this random message from bth jeff and sebas jus tellin me that they loved me a lot and hoped that iw as doin better. and that they missed seein me today.

it was like God remindin me that ppl care..but more importantly...that He cares.

i duno....i dunno why He gives me these things when i have done nothing to deserve this....when i fall so short of His glory.....

im so excited for tomorrow's Easter service. I'm doin the prayer. i've finished writing it out...inspired by a devotional book i have by max lucado. i hope it does some sort of justice...no...i pray it would bring the glory to God he deserves.....

WTF!

hahaha seriously i know itz a dramatic title for an xanga entry but honestly thas how i feel right now!

frickin EVERYONE has something to complain and whine about today! and the thing is that most of these ppl dunt see that a lot of the time (especially living a spoiled lifestyle here in vancouver) the misery is self-picked!

jeez everyone's got problems! u know? and if EVERYONE complained day in and day out this entire world would be filled with the sound of BS!

hahahaha ok...this is gettin bad. dunt get me wrong. i'm understanding and i can listen to ANYONE complain about ANYTHING and i can be sympathetic and caring, but it jus gets to be much, cuz i wonder if ppl realize that there's always someone who's worse off than u........unfair of me to say? yes. but true. strangely....there's a small part of me that envy these ppl. who jus let everything hang out and let the world know that they're dropping off the cliff today.

this is a bad entry. i totally jus showed an ugly side of me. i need to sing. really loudly. or maybe jus break something....